Let's get straight down to business. I would love to give you an intro paragraph and talk about a funny experience I had with the little one but... Ain't nobody got time fo' dat. Little Mister Screamo is ACTUALLY asleep in the daytime (Hallelujah, praise the Lord!) and I want to write this piece before he wakes up and screams for titties like it's the apocalypse.
Nips the size of a planet
One fine day, either during or post pregnancy you will walk into the bathroom to take a shower and check yourself out in the mirror only to realise that your once voluptuous, succulent, lovely pink-tinged little nips have morphed into gargantuan target-like objects.
That titillating pink tinge? Gone. I can only dare to call this new transformation "dark matter".
I got bad news for you - they're here to stay.
You don't know sleep deprivation. No really, you don't.
Until you've had a baby. Symptoms resemble mental illness, dementia, incoherent speech, drooling, unresponsiveness, and in severe cases, falling asleep standing or in mid-conversation with your mother-in-law.
I know this has been expressed a gazillion times and it's cliché as all fucks, but it needs to be articulated for that one extra millionth time. This isn't that time you were too lazy to study for your VCE exams and stayed up cramming for three nights, or that time you attended a three day music festival and were coming down from a cocktail of drugs.
That shit ain't shit.
The sleep deprivation you are forced to endure with a baby is like cramming for VCE exams with no sleep whilst simultaneously attending a music festival 365 days of the year and coming down from biccies and then going on a high and coming down again NON-STOP FOREVER. Well, at least it seems like forever.
If you have a bub that sleeps through the night... Well, bless your little heart.
So if you ain't got a baby, don't talk to me about how tired you are because your neighbour's dog woke you up at 8am. I will slap you.
Relevant articles:10 Zero F*cks To Give Moments As A Mum
Outta control hormones
Pregnancy and post-pregnancy hormones are not to be messed with. Those fuckers are a whole new ball game and have made me feel womanly emotions I have never felt before, like, crying when King Joffrey died cos you know, as much of a c--t as he was, he was still someone's son and that shit's just sad. So sad. WTF. Did I just say that?
Those hormones will also cause you to cry over spilled milk, cry because the sunset is just so beautiful, cry because you saw a picture of someone crying, and cry because you realised that you just ran out of salted caramel ice cream.
Hormones please, just get your shit together.
Get used to having your coffee cold
Save yourself from creating a strict diet regime post-pregnancy. You don't need the gym either because your pregnancy weight will drop before you know it. Fast.
You know why? Cos those little scoundrels make you work your ass off 24/7 and will not let you eat either. Who needs Commando Steve when you got a baby?
It's like they're auto-tuned to squashing your bare survival needs. As soon as you're about to bite into your lunch. Bam. Cries. The second you take a sip from your hot coffee. Bam. Cries.
It's cool, I mean pfft.. who likes their coffee hot anyway? It's kind of like having iced coffee, only at room temperature.
Episio- you're gonna snip my what?
I'm sorry, doc, I know I'm feeling pretty woozy from trying to push a baby the size of a pony out of my genitals and that gas I've been inhaling is just making me high off my face... But just to clarify, did you just say you're gonna tear me a new one?
Seriously, I think doctors just use fancy medical terms to sugarcoat the fact that they're about to butcher your body. Like, "Oh, we're just going to be performing an episiotomy, not to worry, just a tiny little incision." Yeah well, that is until you get home and find out that you now have a poonan that connects to your bumhole.
Relevant articles: The Truth About Childbirth & Labour
Enjoy your lush pregnancy hair
Because it's gonna shed like a mofo a few months post-baby.
You will hardly lose any hair for nine months because, well, hormones. Now imagine nine months worth of hair deciding to all fall out at once. It's like a scene out of a Japanese horror movie.
If I were to collect all the hair that has dropped on the floor after a shower, I could make myself a pimp ass fur coat.
You will be that overprotective and paranoid Mum you said you will never be
Whether you like it or not. I always told myself that I would be the most chill Mum; kick back, smoke a blunt and listen to a bit of Dre and Biggie whilst bouncing around with the baby. Alright, I wouldn't smoke a blunt but I always thought I would be cool, calm and collected, you know what I'm saying?
Well, now I'm all like, "Holy moly, he's choking on water! Call the ambulance!" Or "He just coughed.. OMG call the doc he must have whooping cough!" Or when he lightly bumps his head on something I downright think he's about to go into a coma. Every single time.
Again hormones, just get your shit together. God damn.
Engorgement - No, that's not the name of a dam
In fact, that's the name of your boobs a couple days after you have given birth and they are comparable to Mount Vesuvius erupting, spilling lava into an entire ancient township and turning everyone and everything into stone.
Okay, maybe that was a bit dramatic. But that's how I felt the day my milk came in and I woke up feeling like I just came home from a Spring Break Wet T-shirt contest. Only there was no partying and boozing involved (unfortunately), but instead, my screaming baby woke up to the smell of fresh milk and wanted him a piece o' dat.
On the upside, my boobs grew by two sizes so that's kind of cool.
Not to put anyone off having kids, but all the bad stuff aside, it's actually the best rollercoaster ride I have been on in my life. There's not a day that goes by where I don't learn something amazing and new, like, how the heck it was possible that bub got poo in his neck crevices and hair.