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Pin-What-they-dont-tell-you-about-pregnancy-&-babies

Let’s get straight down to business. I would love to give you an intro paragraph and talk about a funny experience I had with the little one but… Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. Little Mister Screamo is ACTUALLY asleep in the daytime (Hallelujah, praise the Lord!) and I want to write this piece before he wakes up and screams for titties like it’s the apocalypse.

Nips the size of a planet

One fine day, either during or post pregnancy you will walk into the bathroom to take a shower and check yourself out in the mirror only to realise that your once voluptuous, succulent, lovely pink-tinged little nips have morphed into gargantuan target-like objects.

That titillating pink tinge? Gone. I can only dare to call this new transformation “dark matter”.

I got bad news for you – they’re here to stay.

target

You don’t know sleep deprivation. No really, you don’t.

Until you’ve had a baby. Symptoms resemble mental illness, dementia, incoherent speech, drooling, unresponsiveness, and in severe cases, falling asleep standing or in mid-conversation with your mother-in-law.

I know this has been expressed a gazillion times and it’s cliché as all fucks, but it needs to be articulated for that one extra millionth time. This isn’t that time you were too lazy to study for your VCE exams and stayed up cramming for three nights, or that time you attended a three day music festival and were coming down from a cocktail of drugs.

That shit ain’t shit.

The sleep deprivation you are forced to endure with a baby is like cramming for VCE exams with no sleep whilst simultaneously attending a music festival 365 days of the year and coming down from biccies and then going on a high and coming down again NON-STOP FOREVER. Well, at least it seems like forever.

If you have a bub that sleeps through the night… Well, bless your little heart.

So if you ain’t got a baby, don’t talk to me about how tired you are because your neighbour’s dog woke you up at 8am. I will slap you.

Relevant articles:10 Zero F*cks To Give Moments As A Mum

Outta control hormones

Okay-Crying-Meme-05

Pregnancy and post-pregnancy hormones are not to be messed with. Those fuckers are a whole new ball game and have made me feel womanly emotions I have never felt before, like, crying when King Joffrey died cos you know, as much of a c–t as he was, he was still someone’s son and that shit’s just sad. So sad. WTF. Did I just say that?

Those hormones will also cause you to cry over spilled milk, cry because the sunset is just so beautiful, cry because you saw a picture of someone crying, and cry because you realised that you just ran out of salted caramel ice cream.

Hormones please, just get your shit together.

Get used to having your coffee cold

demandingbaby_o_1197335

Save yourself from creating a strict diet regime post-pregnancy. You don’t need the gym either because your pregnancy weight will drop before you know it. Fast.

You know why? Cos those little scoundrels make you work your ass off 24/7 and will not let you eat either. Who needs Commando Steve when you got a baby?

It’s like they’re auto-tuned to squashing your bare survival needs. As soon as you’re about to bite into your lunch. Bam. Cries. The second you take a sip from your hot coffee. Bam. Cries.

It’s cool, I mean pfft.. who likes their coffee hot anyway? It’s kind of like having iced coffee, only at room temperature.

Episio- you’re gonna snip my what?

I’m sorry, doc, I know I’m feeling pretty woozy from trying to push a baby the size of a pony out of my genitals and that gas I’ve been inhaling is just making me high off my face… But just to clarify, did you just say you’re gonna tear me a new one?

Seriously, I think doctors just use fancy medical terms to sugarcoat the fact that they’re about to butcher your body. Like, “Oh, we’re just going to be performing an episiotomy, not to worry, just a tiny little incision.” Yeah well, that is until you get home and find out that you now have a poonan that connects to your bumhole.

Relevant articles: The Truth About Childbirth & Labour

Enjoy your lush pregnancy hair

Because it’s gonna shed like a mofo a few months post-baby.

You will hardly lose any hair for nine months because, well, hormones. Now imagine nine months worth of hair deciding to all fall out at once. It’s like a scene out of a Japanese horror movie.

If I were to collect all the hair that has dropped on the floor after a shower, I could make myself a pimp ass fur coat.

snoop-dogg-terry-richardson-12

You will be that overprotective and paranoid Mum you said you will never be

Whether you like it or not. I always told myself that I would be the most chill Mum; kick back, smoke a blunt and listen to a bit of Dre and Biggie whilst bouncing around with the baby. Alright, I wouldn’t smoke a blunt but I always thought I would be cool, calm and collected, you know what I’m saying?

Well, now I’m all like, “Holy moly, he’s choking on water! Call the ambulance!” Or “He just coughed.. OMG call the doc he must have whooping cough!” Or when he lightly bumps his head on something I downright think he’s about to go into a coma. Every single time.

Again hormones, just get your shit together. God damn.

Engorgement – No, that’s not the name of a dam

Eyjafjallajökull volcano erupting, Fimmvörðuháls area, Iceland, 7th of April 2010

In fact, that’s the name of your boobs a couple days after you have given birth and they are comparable to Mount Vesuvius erupting, spilling lava into an entire ancient township and turning everyone and everything into stone.

Okay, maybe that was a bit dramatic. But that’s how I felt the day my milk came in and I woke up feeling like I just came home from a Spring Break Wet T-shirt contest. Only there was no partying and boozing involved (unfortunately), but instead, my screaming baby woke up to the smell of fresh milk and wanted him a piece o’ dat.

On the upside, my boobs grew by two sizes so that’s kind of cool.

Not to put anyone off having kids, but all the bad stuff aside, it’s actually the best rollercoaster ride I have been on in my life. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t learn something amazing and new, like, how the heck it was possible that bub got poo in his neck crevices and hair.

See more on the struggles of childbirth, babies and toddlers below:

  • The Truth About Childbirth & Labour: Uncut
  • Holidays: Before & After Kids
  • 10 Zero F*cks To Give Moments As A Mum
  • Ultimate Guide To Traveling With A Baby
  • Life Values To Teach Our Kids In Dark Times

FREE DOWNLOAD: OUR 30 SECRET TRAVEL HACKS FOR KIDS

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25 comments
  1. wendylime says:
    October 18, 2015 at 1:22 am

    You are hilarious. Love it!

    Reply
    1. Hangry By Nature says:
      October 18, 2015 at 10:10 am

      Thanks Wendy! I love your recipes!

      Reply
  2. Rhonda Swan says:
    May 31, 2016 at 2:06 am

    So funny and so true lovely lady. Keep up the great work and live unstoppable!

    Reply
    1. Tina says:
      June 1, 2016 at 10:18 pm

      Thanks, Rhonda! Glad you enjoyed it 🙂

      Reply
  3. Pingback: What they DON'T tell you about pregnancy, childbirth and babies | News-Today
  4. Pingback: What they DON'T tell you about pregnancy, childbirth and babies | World News
  5. Pingback: What they DON'T tell you about pregnancy, childbirth and babies | dailybar
  6. Pingback: What they DON'T tell you about pregnancy, childbirth and babies – News | The Latest News,Breaking News,News Day,USA News,Sport News
  7. Pingback: What they DON’T tell you about pregnancy, childbirth and babies | trueloveu
  8. Shannon says:
    February 6, 2017 at 11:01 pm

    Hilarious! I can related! You didn’t mention the pre and postnatal incontinence, and breasts that shoot milk across the bathroom the minute the nursing bra is removed…..or was that just me?!

    Reply
    1. Tina says:
      February 6, 2017 at 11:48 pm

      Nope, definitely not just you. I’m actually considering writing a Part II: Uncut version lol where I will be mentioning even more grizzly things. Oh, the wonders of being a woman.

      Reply
      1. Shannon says:
        February 7, 2017 at 8:32 am

        Looking forward to part two!

        Reply
  9. Jenn @ The Art of Better says:
    February 6, 2017 at 11:29 pm

    Oh my god, you’ve kept me laughing. I live vicariously through the preggo stories of others since I’ve not given birth and that was an eye opener for sure!

    Reply
  10. Joleene says:
    February 6, 2017 at 11:59 pm

    This is the BEST post ever!! I remember carrying around that book, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and SWEARING BY IT! My friends made fun of me. But there was so much I didn’t know! Great post.

    Reply
  11. Amy Scott says:
    February 7, 2017 at 2:36 am

    Fully expecting 2 and 7 to ruin my life but trying to approach it with a pinch of salt. Just kidding, I’m crazy and my husband better watch out.

    Reply
  12. Kat says:
    February 7, 2017 at 3:50 am

    Oh man. Can’t wait 🙂

    Reply
  13. Fi Morrison says:
    February 7, 2017 at 5:13 am

    Haha this made me actually laugh out loud. I’m at hair falls out stage and it’s sad. And boob leakage is still a thing 6.5 months later. Oh the joys of having babies ??

    Reply
  14. Marian says:
    February 7, 2017 at 4:02 pm

    Oh my gosh this has me laughing hard. Number 2 especially. Everyone thinks pets and such prepare them for parenthood. THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW!!! Hahahaha

    Reply
  15. Mary Jane says:
    February 7, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    Oh my goodness I’m actually laughing so hard right now. Why does no one actually tell you these things first!!!??? Lol, thanks for sharing this…much appreciated. Cheers, Mary Jane

    Reply
  16. Lisanne says:
    February 7, 2017 at 5:25 pm

    Haha, don’t have a kid yet.. Thanks for preparing me!!

    Reply
  17. Gillian says:
    February 7, 2017 at 11:46 pm

    And the phrase you “may experience some discomfort”. Seriously? Heartburn so bad you can’t sleep lying down. Sciatica that feels like you were struck by lightening. The big head grinding into your bladder while a foot is wedged under your rib so heard you think it might break.Back labor! I kept waiting for someone to show up with the official secrets pregnancy act for me to sign.

    Reply
  18. Pingback: What They Don't Tell You About Childbirth & Labour: Uncut
  19. Tina says:
    July 21, 2017 at 3:13 pm

    hahahaha,this is really funny and great.sooooo hilarious especially the hair loss,i just had baby n0 1 tru CS,and half of my hair is gone,like am now keeping a bald hair.or is it the heavy breast or baby cries just wen i want to take a nap.

    Reply
    1. Tina says:
      July 22, 2017 at 12:25 pm

      Thanks! I’m going through the hair loss right now, too. Just wait until your hair starts growing back and you have all these little baby hairs that just cannot be tamed. Pretty much like having a lion’s mane.

      Reply
  20. Oyindamola Aramide says:
    July 23, 2017 at 11:45 am

    Oh my goodness. I love the way you write! I am officially in awe of you.

    Reply

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Hey! We're Tina and Andy - 2 kidults who hail from Australia but could never lay our roots anywhere because there's simply too much to see in this world and life is just too short. Somewhere along the way, we added 2 more crazy kids to the squad who act as third wheels on our travels and date nights. We show parents how to travel smarter with less stress, coffee in one hand and bambinos in the other.
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