10 Zero F*cks to Give Moments as a Mum

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1. When you’re out having brunch with your friend, and start unashamedly, feeling up your boobs to determine how well the milk is filling up and whether it’s time to boot, go home and give your breasts a pump.

2. When you go for your annual pap smear and suddenly realise that you haven’t maintained your ‘pleasure paddock’ since the days before your ginormous preggo belly obstructed the view of your poonan. But you shrug it off and have no fucks left to give because giving birth in front of a squad of hospital staff staring at your intimates has put you through enough naked action that you would happily tear off your clothes in front of anyone or any dog.

3. When you’ve gone to a kids’ party and sat on some kids’ chocolate cake that fell out of his mouth and onto your chair but you realise that the pair of pants you’ve got on are the cleanest you have, so you wear them again the next day. And the day after. And maybe the week after. Until the piece of choco cake becomes a solidified crusty mole that’s grown into your pants, made love to it, and became one with it. So you decide to wear it to work tomorrow and convince your colleagues that that’s how they were when you first bought them. It’s called the textured distressed look, guys.

4. When you take your newborn baby, that’s barely a few days old, to a kids’ play centre because you’re really just going for yourself and you’ve been waiting almost 20 years for the excuse to go buckwild in a jumping castle and descend that epic slide.

5. When you drive to the shopping centre without your baby but park in the parents with prams spot anyway because being in possession of a baby seat warrants enough reason to do so. And you only have one hour of freedom before you need to return to your kid and ain’t nobody got time fo’ parking space wars.

6. When people won’t bloody move out of the way for your pram so you proceed to make the heavy hearted decision to run over their Air Jordan’s and Jimmy Choos, secretly flipping them the birdie under your pram handle because this bitch needs to get through. It’s times like these, I wish I could rap out loud Ludacris’ track“Move, bitch, get out the way, get out the way bitch, get out the way!”  You wind up being the recipient of quite a few death stares, but your unshowered and uncontoured face does not give. a. flying. fuck.

7. When you’ve accidentally dropped your toastie because whining baby is demanding your attention, or has run into you with his stupid Thomas the Tank Engine rolly car, and in a brisk effort to save yourself from starving to death, you break the three-second rule and pick up your sandwich from the bacteria ridden ground, piece it back together and continue eating it like nothing has happened. 

8. When you get caught at the traffic lights by other drivers and passers-by singing and yelling like a complete lunatic to your kid because you’re five minutes from home and that bastard is on the brink of falling asleep. Because passing off as a luney is more acceptable than attempting to put your kid back to sleep at home after he’s had a 5 minny powernap in the car.

9. When you’ve been rocking the top knot day in and day out and suddenly stop to realise that it’s been something like nine days since you last washed your hair and your partner has had to put up with smelly scalp syndrome for that long, but was nice enough to only give a brief mention that the pillows smell a bit funny and that it may be time to change the sheets.

10. When you ponder on the above realisation for a minute, shrug it off, and decide to rock the top knot and wild, unwashed hair look for another day. You think to yourself that you may as well create a new trend called the “30-Day No Shower Challenge” and ponder on whether shampoo really has any benefits at all. Until your partner stops being nice and actually turns around to tell you that you smell like a god damn swamp monster.

13 Responses

  1. Kerry-Ann says:

    Hahahaha omg!! I literally laughed out loud. I’m not a mom yet, but hope to be someday and I totally would be like some of your descriptions.. haha

    Thanks for bringing some great humour to this plight of a new mom.

    Kerry-Ann | kerryanningram.com

  2. Ashley says:

    As I’m in the last week approaching my sweet lil things first birthday, I can laugh my ass off at how horrifyingly accurate this list is! 8 months ago I probably would have cried reading this. But with the slight glimmer of hope of normalcy returning, I remember I’m again 7 months preggo. Oh well, at least I know I’m not the only new mamma out there who’s been rockin her greasy top-knot for the past year. Thanks

    • Tina says:

      I’m glad you could relate, Ashley. I’m rocking a greasy top knot as I’m typing this. Congrats on your second pregnancy – I hear it’s easier the second time around.

  3. Margarita says:

    Hahaha! I am definitely guilty of number 6! Loved this piece!

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  5. Susan says:

    This was an amazing read! Thank you for being so honest and sharing your stories. I was rocking day 8 top knot as of yesterday morning! I’m at day 2 of clean hair (minus the lasagna that bub got my hair today at lunch)

    • Tina says:

      Thank you for your kinds words. Day 8 – you would’ve almost beaten my record! Respect! As of right now, I can’t actually remember when I last washed my hair. But it seems like it’s been a while. I really should get in that shower. Regardless of how grubby we are, I’m certain we’re all doing an amazing job at raising our little ones. Hey, at least they’re clean.

  6. Cat says:

    Amazing and you are very funny. I am a mum to two little ones and know exactly how it feels.. We will all see the funny side of parenting eventually, one day.. in 20 -30 years time.

    • Tina says:

      Thanks for your kinds words! Haha I think in 20-30 years time we enter the nostalgic stage where we start wishing that our kids were little babies again.

  7. prec says:

    oh my gosh! u gat me rolling in laughter just reading ur post esp number 9.
    u are a good writer!
    I know I’ll experience these soon. look forward to having my kids.

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